How to prepare for Hanukkah with a family member with dementia
Hanukkah is a holiday of light, miracles, and family reunions. Candles are lit, "Maoz Tzur" is sung, children play with spinning tops, and the smell of pancakes and donuts fills the house. But when there is a person with dementia in the family, the bright holiday can also bring with it confusion, stress, and difficult moments.
The goal is not to give up the joy of the holiday, but to adapt it to the situation of the loved one – so that both he and you can go through Hanukkah calmly and with dignity.
Why can Hanukkah be challenging?
Too much light and noise, visitors and large families, changes in routine and bedtimes – all of these can be overwhelming for a person with dementia. Some may be confused by the number of people in the house, others may have difficulty following prayers and blessings, or may be frightened by children running around the menorah. Family caregivers are sometimes torn between wanting “everything to be normal” and the need to protect their loved one from unnecessary burdens.
Before the holiday: Planning that respects everyone
- Adjusting expectations
Talk to each other in advance: What is especially important to you this year – all eight days, or a special family evening/two? You can decide in advance that you don't have to be at every light, and not all siblings need to come together.
- Choosing a convenient place and time
Sometimes it is better to light candles in the familiar home of the person with dementia, in a smaller circle. You can invite relatives for a short visit, instead of one big, noisy evening. If there are several lightings on the same day – choose the most patient and calm.
- Notifying family and neighbors
It is recommended to explain in advance to children, grandchildren, and other guests that the grandparent may get confused, ask questions repeatedly, or tire quickly. A simple explanation in advance prevents embarrassment, insensitive comments, and excessive expectations.
- Preparing the physical environment
Make sure there is a quiet corner without a loud TV, where you can sit with the person after lighting. Think in advance about where the menorah will stand so that it is safe – away from flammable objects and from a place where he might stumble upon it.
While lighting the candles and playing the melodies
- Slow and clear pace
You can say quietly: "Now we light the candles," "Now we sing the song." It is not necessary to explain all the rules or all the details of the miracle; a sentence or two is enough to get him into the mood. - Sharing a small but significant role
Those who can – let them hold the spinning top, arrange the wicks, serve donuts to the grandchildren, or join in the first sentence of the blessing. Even if they don't remember the words, the feeling of being "in the making" is very strengthening. - Familiar poetry and music
Chanukah songs and poems from childhood can evoke pleasant memories even in advanced stages of dementia. Choose a few familiar songs, sing them slowly, and don't insist on accuracy – the main thing is the shared experience. - Maintaining safety
Do not leave a person with dementia alone near lit candles. If they are used to getting up and walking around the house, supervise or place the menorah in a protected place. When in doubt, safety comes first.
After lighting: Return to a relaxing routine
After the meeting, make sure to return to a familiar routine as soon as possible: medication at the regular time, comfortable clothing, a cup of tea or hot chocolate. If he stays away from home overnight, it is recommended to bring familiar objects with him – a picture, a prayer book, a favorite scarf – that will help him feel in a safe place.
At the end of the evening, you can tell him how important it was to you that he was there, even if he doesn't remember the details of the meeting. The feeling that the family accepts him as he is is the true light of Hanukkah.
Hanukkah reminds us that “a small light drives away much darkness.” When we adapt the holiday to the abilities of a person with dementia, choose compassion over perfection, and allow ourselves to forgo some rituals to protect our loved one – we light a great light of respect, love, and mutual responsibility for the entire family.
And also for Hanukkah - you are not alone!
If you or your loved ones notice signs of cognitive decline or uncharacteristic confusion, Do not hesitate to contact the EMDA Association.We at EMDA are here for you with information, a listening ear and assistance – you can consult with us for free on our telephone helpline. 8889*.
Dr. Nati Blum She is the CEO. EMDA Association and holds a PhD in Psychology from the University of Sacramento. Her doctoral dissertation focused on face-to-face group therapy versus virtual group therapy. In her role at EMDA, she harnesses her professional and managerial experience to lead efforts to improve the quality of life of those dealing with dementia, promote their rights, and raise public awareness of the phenomenon in Israel.