Between memory and independence
- Dr. Nati Blum
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How to get through the most emotional day of the year with someone with dementia
The hours between Memorial Day for the fallen IDF and victims of hostilities and Independence Day celebrations are some of the most charged in the Israeli calendar, and this year in particular. In one day we go from the sound of silence and a painful chain of names — to fireworks, music, dancing, and songs about hope and resurrection. For many, this is a sharp and jarring transition. But for people dealing with dementia — and their families — it can be a day of confusion, distress, and sometimes even a severe emotional outburst.
Why is it so difficult?
In people with dementia, the impact of environmental stimuli is magnified. Hearing may be particularly sensitive, sensory processing may be impaired, and sharp transitions between different emotions may not always be clear or understandable. Causal logic – “there was a memorial service before, now we’re celebrating” – may be completely lost. For them, a siren may sound like a warning of an impending war, and fireworks may be perceived as a threat.
According to estimates by the Ministry of Health, there are currently over 150 people living with dementia in Israel, most of them elderly. Many of them have experienced traumatic experiences during military service, wars, terrorist attacks or personal loss – memories that are likely to surface on such a charged day. After the massacre of October 7.10, and the two turbulent years we are all going through, the experience of trauma is only intensifying.
What can be done? – A guide for families
- Gentle preparation in advance: A calm conversation can make a huge difference. Instead of “dropping” the events in real time, gently explain in advance that today will be Memorial Day, and tomorrow they will celebrate independence. It is recommended to use a visual board with colorful symbols – a small flag, a picture of a candle – to illustrate the transition.
- During the siren – not alone: If you choose to stay home – hold hands, maintain eye contact, and play soft music to soften the sound. If you choose to go out to the ceremony, sit in a quiet area, and avoid the hustle and bustle.
- Maintaining a familiar routine: Don't change your daily routine: medications, meals, and rest – exactly on time. Routine is the best anchor for the confusion that characterizes such days.
- Gradual transition to the holiday: It’s important not to go straight from the ceremony to watching the fireworks. Start with a small flag on the dining table, or a family singing of an old Israeli song. This can help the relative understand that a new atmosphere is beginning – without overwhelming them with noise.
- Fireworks? To what extent: Fireworks are an extreme stimulus – noise, light, flashes – that may be interpreted as an emergency. It is recommended to watch from the balcony or on TV, with volume control, or to give up altogether.
- Emotional processing – even if there are no words: Sit together. Place a hand on the shoulder. Ask, "How are you feeling?" Even if you don't get a full answer, the very question reinforces the feeling of security and connection. Physical contact is just as meaningful as words.
- and you?: Caregivers sometimes forget themselves on a day like this. You too are experiencing emotional burden – both from the general atmosphere and from the responsibility for the family member. Talk to someone. Share. And if you feel overwhelmed – don’t stay alone. The EMDA Association’s support and counseling center is open for assistance, by phone. 8889*.
Summary
The transition from Memorial Day to Independence Day is a national test – but for families of people with dementia, it is also a personal test, of empathy, patience and presence. Proper management of this transition, especially during the traumatic days our minds have been going through over the past two years, can also allow the loved one with dementia to experience something of the meaning of both days – with gentleness, confidence and love.
Wishing you a peaceful and meaningful Independence Day!
Dr. Nati Blum, CEO EMDA Association
Dr. Nati Blum is CEO EMDA Association and holds a PhD in Psychology from the University of Sacramento. Her doctoral dissertation focused on face-to-face group therapy versus virtual group therapy. In her role at EMDA, she harnesses her professional and managerial experience to lead efforts to improve the quality of life of those dealing with dementia, promote their rights, and raise public awareness of the phenomenon in Israel.