How to prepare for Seder night with a family member with dementia
- Dr. Nati Blum
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Seder night is one of the most beautiful and moving moments in our calendar. The whole family gathers, the table is set with all the best, and together we reenact the story of the Exodus from Egypt. But when there is a person in the family who is dealing with dementia, the festive and joyful holiday can be filled with concerns and difficulties – both for the family members who are caring for them and for the relative himself, who finds himself in a noisy or unfamiliar environment, has difficulty communicating and is sometimes also anxious about the new situation. At EMDA, we know how complex and emotional this issue is, so we have prepared a short guide for you to help you prepare for Seder night in an appropriate way.
The difficulty of integrating a family member with dementia
While the entire family enjoys the holiday, a person with dementia may experience cognitive and emotional overload. The transition from a quiet home to a large-scale event, the need to listen to explanations and conversations around the table, and the fast pace of the event – all of these can cause confusion, fatigue, and even emotional outbursts. For family members who provide care, this is also quite a challenge: they want to maintain the dignity of their loved one, protect them from distractions or criticism, and still participate in the joy with everyone.
Sometimes this is compounded by a sense of shame or a desire to "hide" the condition, especially if not all family members or friends are aware of the diagnosis. The desire to maintain a "normal" appearance can create even more stress.
Practical Tips: Before the Seder
- Consider holding a "small ceremony" at the seller's home.
If you know that the traditional Seder night might be too challenging for your family member with dementia, consider organizing a small, “small Seder” the night before at their home, in a place where they feel safe. You can read the Haggadah together in an abbreviated version, taste some matzah and holiday foods, and allow them to experience the holiday in a relaxed atmosphere. The next day, your extended family can hold the Seder as planned, without burdening them. - Informing the family openly
If there are relatives who do not yet know about the dementia condition, it is recommended to inform them in advance and in a simple and direct way. You can send a message or call and explain that the family member's participation will be a little different: he may be tired, confused in conversations, or need a break in the middle of the evening. Sharing information in advance helps reduce awkward situations and prevents unrealistic expectations. - Preparing the physical environment
- Consult with the hosts or be the host yourself, and try to arrange a quiet corner in the house. That way, if the relative experiences too much stress, you can offer them a "rest" or respite without leaving the event altogether.
- Arrange a table and seating in advance in a way that ensures he can sit next to familiar people or patient family members.
Practical tips: During the Seder
- Simple and clear communication
- Speak slowly and in short sentences. Explain each step of the Seder ("Now we drink four cups, now we read the Haggadah") and don't hesitate to repeat important information.
- Address him by name and make sure to make eye contact, to make sure he understands and feels included.
- Reducing emotional burden
- If there is a lot of noise, try to reduce it as much as possible (turn down the TV or music).
- Suggest proactive breaks where you can go to a quiet place together, drink water, or just chat peacefully.
- Dealing with emotional outbursts
Sometimes, due to stress and fatigue, outbursts of crying or anger can occur. Stay calm and show empathy. Sometimes, a hug or offering to leave the room for a moment and calm the atmosphere is enough to significantly improve the feeling.
Practical Tips: After the Seder
- Stress reduction and adaptation
After the event, allow the person with dementia time to recover and relax at home. If staying overnight in an unfamiliar place, be sure to create an environment that is as similar as possible to what they are used to – with personal belongings, familiar pictures and soothing lighting.
- Reflection and sharing
Talk about the experience together in a positive way: mention how much he contributed to the atmosphere, how important it was to everyone that he was present, and thank him for wanting to take part in the family holiday. Even if he doesn't remember all the details of the Seder, the good feeling can remain.
Dealing with the barrier of concealment
Some families want to "protect" a person with dementia from comments or questions, while also protecting themselves from feeling embarrassed. However, experience shows that transparency and a calm statement ("Dad is losing his memory a bit, so he may ask the same question over and over again") work better. Once the truth is out, family members will know how to be patient and adjust the pace and expectations.
Summary
Seder night can be an exciting and meaningful experience for both the person with dementia and their family, as long as special care is taken in advance. Ultimately, it is important to remember that the essence of the holiday is to spend time together, listen, and show patience and love. If we prepare properly, we don’t have to give up the festivities and family connection – and we can keep our loved one as respectful, calm, and integrated as possible.
We know it's not easy, but with planning and attention to detail it's definitely possible. If you need help, advice, or additional support, you can find more tips on our Facebook page, and we at EMDA are available to provide free advice at our support and advice center, by calling *8889.
Wishing you all a happy, peaceful and meaningful Passover.,
Dr. Nati Blum, CEO EMDA Association
Dr. Nati Blum is CEO EMDA Association and holds a PhD in Psychology from the University of Sacramento. Her doctoral dissertation focused on face-to-face group therapy versus virtual group therapy. In her role at EMDA, she harnesses her professional and managerial experience to lead efforts to improve the quality of life of those dealing with dementia, promote their rights, and raise public awareness of the phenomenon in Israel.